


everything has got to be love or death

by wordslinging



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Background Gilmore/Vax/Keyleth, Comfort, Established Relationship, Light Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-23
Updated: 2017-08-23
Packaged: 2018-12-19 02:51:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,299
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11888382
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wordslinging/pseuds/wordslinging
Summary: There are things Gilmore has accepted as inevitable when it comes to Vax. His impulsiveness, the way he can work himself into a state worrying over things that might not be so dire if he'd just talk to someone--if dealing with those things is the price of having Vax in his life, Gilmore will gladly pay it.So when Vax, who Gilmore didn't even know was back in Whitestone, appears on his doorstep far too early in the morning with a worried look and a mouthful of unnecessary apologies, Gilmore lets him in.





	everything has got to be love or death

**Author's Note:**

> An alternate take on the conversation from episode 73, because Gilmore being lovely and reassuring when Vax shows up out of the blue to have anxiety at him is something that needs to happen even in a timeline where it's not their relationship he's having anxiety about.
> 
> Part of an ongoing AU where Vax is in a poly V relationship with both Keyleth and Gilmore, but the focus here is on Vax and Gilmore.

There are things Gilmore has accepted as inevitable when it comes to Vax. His impulsiveness, the way he can work himself into a state worrying over things that might not be so dire if he'd just _talk_ to someone--if dealing with those things is the price of having Vax in his life, Gilmore will gladly pay it.

So when Vax, who Gilmore didn't even know was back in Whitestone, appears on his doorstep far too early in the morning with a worried look and a mouthful of unnecessary apologies, Gilmore lets him in.

"Hi, I'm sorry, this isn't fair," Vax says as he barrels into him, hands bunching in Gilmore's robes.

"Darling, what is it?" Gilmore asks as his arms come up automatically, one hand cradling the back of Vax's head. "Has something happened? Are the others--" His thoughts go instantly to Vex or Keyleth, and he sighs in relief when Vax shakes his head.

"No, no, everyone's fine. We, ah--" Vax pulls back to look at him and smiles suddenly, a feral edge to it. "We killed another dragon. The white one, Vorugal."

"Good," Gilmore says savagely. "And...everyone's fine, you said?" It's going to be a long time before he forgets the feeling of his heart plummeting as he got the news that Vox Machina had arrived back in the city and one of them was down.

Vax gives a quick nod. "There were times when things got a bit dicey, but everyone came through all right."

Gilmore strokes his thumb along the line of Vax's cheekbone, giving him an uncertain smile. "Surely that's all good news, then?"

"I--yeah," Vax says, utterly unconvincingly, and when Gilmore quirks an eyebrow at him he sighs and runs a hand through his hair. "It _is_ , I just...every time we come through one of these fights all right, I feel like we're that much closer to the one where our luck runs out. Or _my_ luck, at least."

Gilmore rubs a hand over his face tiredly. He loves Vax'ildan with all his heart, he truly does, but he _just woke up_. 

"I'm going to make us some tea," he says, and leads Vax into the house's small kitchen.

Vax seems unable to settle as they wait for the water to boil, leaning against the edge of the table at first, then hoisting himself up to perch on the counter. Gilmore waits until he has two cups of tea steeping, then clears his throat. 

"So, is this a Raven Queen thing?"

"Inasmuch as my entire life is a Raven Queen thing now?" Vax asks, but then shakes his head. "Whatever she might end up asking of me, I have a feeling that bill won't come due before we've finished dealing with the Conclave. But it's sort of hit me, lately…" He hops off the counter and sits down at the table finally, and Gilmore leans over him from behind to set a steaming cup in front of him. "I'd give my life for any one of them, but it's not even really mine to give anymore. And even if it were, that might not be enough. I'm sorry to just show up and unload this on you--"

Gilmore places a hand on Vax's shoulder, bending to kiss the top of his head. His hair smells faintly of snow and pine forest, a souvenir of Wildemount. "I'm glad you came to me. I don't know that I have anything particularly helpful to say, but I'd always rather know what's going on in that head of yours than not."

Vax smiles, lifting a hand to cover Gilmore's on his shoulder. Gilmore brings his other hand up to stroke Vax's hair, and they stay like that for a while, quiet and peaceful, until Vax tilts his head back.

"Can I ask you something?" he asks, and at Gilmore's assenting hum, "How do you deal so well with knowing that when I leave, I might not come back? It's hard enough to see people I care about in danger when I'm _there_ , when I _might_ be able to do something about it--if our positions were switched, I'd be a fucking basket case."

Gilmore chuckles. "Sometimes I'm closer to basket case status than I let on. But there is a positive side to the uncertainty of it all. When you leave, there's no guarantee you'll return, but no guarantee you won't, either. And since I can't know either way, I choose to be optimistic."

Vax rises from his seat, turning to face him. "It's that easy for you?"

"Oh, there's nothing easy about it," Gilmore tells him, unable to keep a tremor out of his voice. "But if I asked you to stay, leave the dragons for someone else to deal with, would you do it?" 

Vax looks at him wordlessly for a long moment, then looks away, pressing his lips together in a stubborn line.

"I thought not." Gilmore touches his chin, gently steering Vax's gaze back to his, and lets all the easy humor drain away for a moment. "Believe me, dear heart, every time you come back to me with tales of the dangers you've faced, of how one or more of you almost died--or _did_ die, as the case may be--I want nothing more than to do everything in my power to keep you from leaving again. Let the world burn to ash, as long as I can spend whatever time we have left with you in my arms."

Vax's lips part like he wants to speak; Gilmore forestalls him with a gentle touch, then takes Vax's hand in his free one, raising them to his heart. "But despite my best efforts, I'm not actually that selfish, and I don't believe you are, either. So every time you fly out of my life, I choose to believe you'll fly back into it. And if someday you don't--" the thought chokes him up for a moment, and he swallows hard before finishing, "--then I'll have to deal with that. But I'll never ask you to stay away from a battle you believe needs to be fought, and you wouldn't be my Vax if you did."

Vax moves into him, wrapping his arms around Gilmore's waist. "I never wanted to cause you any pain."

"Darling, I know," Gilmore says. "But if I choose to go down a path I know might lead to pain, that's on me." He cups Vax's cheek in his hand and kisses him firmly, pressing his thumb to Vax's bottom lip as he pulls back. "I knew full well what I was getting into with you, and there's never been a doubt in my mind you're worth it."

The unspoken doubt in Vax's eyes at that declaration breaks Gilmore's heart a little, as it always does. He leans in and does his best to kiss it away, and they stay entwined like that until Vax takes a step back. 

"I should probably go. We need to figure out our next move, and there's still--well. Things to do." There's something he's not saying there, but Gilmore lets it pass.

"You'll let me know if I can do anything to help?" he asks.

"Yeah." Vax nods. "And, you know, we might be leaving again on short notice, but if not…"

"You know where I'll be," Gilmore says, then adds with a rueful smile, "And that once I've seen to the barrier my day will consist of mainly research and worrying. Company would be nice."

Vax leans in for another quick kiss before slipping out of his arms. "Then maybe I'll see you later. And if not…"

Gilmore captures his hand again, lifting it to his lips briefly. "If not...fly back to me soon, my bird."


End file.
